Story of Jane

It was a night I looked for comfort
It was a night I needed to feel

I looked everywhere for something
I looked everywhere for you

I knew you could give me what I needed
I knew you could talk me out of this sadness

I could never find you
When all I needed was to see you

The darkness drew closer
Slowly swallowing me whole in a corner

All I needed was you
But I guess this silver blade would do

I was in between dream and reality
I didn't know which is which

When I felt that warm caress on my face I looked for it
Then that warmness went else where
Somewhere it shouldn't have gone

I thought sleep protected me
And as I was under that false protection I waited for you to stop
And be the person I thought who you were

But that protection only gave you a chance to be the devil that you are

The next time I hear you say “I want to die!” I would personally put a knife on your throat and make you think twice about the idea of dying.

A person doesn’t just say he wants to die, not out loud. If you’re going to do it, just do it I hate to sound like a Nike commercial but that’s just how it is, plan it and do it why do you need to let the whole world hear it? So their attention can be focused on you? So no matter how absurd your reason is the will sympathize with you because you make them think you’re giving up on your precious life? Life that you’re trying to convince yourself that is worthless but deep inside you know you’re too scared to let go, to have that last breath, because to you the regret seems to be too much for you to handle. Some one who is tired of their lives and wants nothing to do with it anymore is also tired of all the bullshit that people are trying to tell him, they only have one goal: Die, right away. No need for goodbyes, no need for any statuses, nothing, they just do it.

I thought it would hurt
As I glided the blade across my skin I felt nothing
Yet I thought of everything

The numb feeling drove me crazy
And the color of blood brought me closer to ecstasy

Physical pain is no more
But emotions are here to stay
Hiding
Haunting

It's hard to tell them what it's like
Because their world is much colorful than mine

As I bled bright red
I came closer to the feeling of death

Peaceful
Gentle
Quite

I keep looking behind my back. Being paranoid as fuck. These past few days I've been reading post's on reddit, and everything is keeping me up. Do you know that feeling when you keep thinking of something, imagining things and you feel like they're actually there. That keeps happening to me. And it fucking up my sleeping cycle.

In the book trilogy of A Great and Terrible Beauty, there's this main character, everything revolves around her. The book keeps making her look like the hero, the cause of everything, the protagonist. But for me it doesn't feel right. Gemma Doyle is a weak woman. Yes she has the power of the realms but she's not exactly the one in control, she lets her friends push her around, her friend felicity seems more like the protagonist. She orders everyone around but she has the sense of responsibility and courage Gemma needs to have. The reason why Gemma achieved everything she has done sine the first book is because Felicity and the people around her told her so. And as I keep reading that book, I kept thinking I am like her. I am my own Gemma Doyle. I act like the Hero but in reality I'm not. I only act when I'm told so, I can't act on my own. I over think my decisions causing me to stop and do nothing. Because I don't take risks. I only act like it.

I'm fake.
I'm a robot.
I'm nothing without the people around me.

I am not my own master.